A Recovering Self-Abuser’s Guide To Self-Love
Or, can we shut up about productivity for a little while?
I can’t sleep unless I do something to get myself exhausted.”
A few weeks ago, a friend told me that. I understood right away. I lived like that for years.
I grew up in a culture of surplus that believes in overconsumption, especially of food. If the people in my culture don’t want their bodies to store that food as adipose tissue, they must do vigorous exercise to “burn” the extra energy, or “calories” as we so un-romantically refer to the food that gives us life.
Otherwise, the surplus energy we’ve consumed causes us trouble. Trouble in our bodies, our minds, our interactions with the world.
It’s all quite silly, isn’t it?
Throughout most of my life, I’ve been a binge eater/exerciser, uncomfortable in my own body unless, amidst all that over-consumption, I could get my stomach flatter than my pecs (when I started yogic breathing, I realized how ridiculous and counter-intuitive this is).
I’ve had to face down a pornography addiction that started when I was young, that, upon deep reflection, stemmed from a belief that I was on some level undeserving of deep love, that anyone I dated would eventually find out I was a…
